c. 170: athens
paternity test
Pan: how do you do, my father hermes?
Hermes: and how are you? But how am i your
father?
Pan: are you not, perchance, the Kyllenian
hermes?
Hermes: certainly. how, then, are you my son?
Pan: i am the result of an irregular intrigue,
your love child.
Hermes: By heaven, rather, probably, of an intrigue of goats: for how could you be mine, with
your horns, and such a snub nose, and shaggy
beard, and cloven feet, and goatish legs, and tail
upon your rump?
Pan: Whatever sneers you aim at me, it is your
own son you render an object of reproach, my
dear father, but yourself still more, for begetting and making such offspring. i am innocent
of it all.
Hermes: and whom do you call your mother?
have i perchance had an intrigue with a goat
without knowing it?
Pan: You have not committed adultery with a
goat: but recollect yourself, if you have never offered violence to a girl of gentle birth in arcadia.
Why do you bite your thumb to find an answer,
and remain in doubt so long? i allude to penelope,
the daughter of ikarius.
Hermes: Then under what circumstances did
she bring you into the world, resembling a goat
instead of myself?
Pan: i will give you her very own story. Well,
when she despatched me to arcadia, “My
child,” said she, “i am your mother, penelope,
of sparta, and know you have a God, hermes,
William the Conqueror (c. 1028–1087)
Dad: robert i, duke of normandy
Mom: herleve, daughter of tanner
Bastardy: lived with mother at ducal palace until she
married a knight; succeeded father’s dukedom in 1035 but
was continually challenged due to age and illegitimacy
until his teens; called “the Bastard”; cut off hands and feet
of alençon villagers who insulted his parentage
Glory: defeated english king harold at Battle of
hastings in 1066; became first norman on throne of
england, a dynasty that lasted until 1399
Glorious Bastards
Leonardo da Vinci (1452–1519)
Dad: ser piero da Vinci, Florentine notary
Mom: caterina, local woman
Bastardy: raised by father’s family in Vinci; under-educated
as a child and barred from university because of
illegitimacy; entered andrea del Verrocchio’s studio
with father’s help around 1466
Glory: painted Last Supper and Mona Lisa ; designed
flying machines and other inventions in notebooks;
became expert in hydraulic engineering; considered
epitome of renaissance man
Alexander Hamilton (c. 1755–1804)
Dad: James hamilton, trader
Mom: rachel Faucett lavien, another man’s wife until 1758
Bastardy: Born in British West indies; abandoned by
father in 1765; referred to as “obscene” during court
proceedings in which half brother inherited estate;
immigrated to U.s. to attend school in 1773; later
called by John adams the “creole bastard”
Glory: defended Boston tea party in 1774; co-wrote
Federalist papers, published in 1787–1788; served as
first secretary of the treasury
Guillaume Apollinaire (1880–1918)
Dad: possibly Francesco Flugi d’aspermont, officer
Mom: angelica alexandrine Kostrowitzky, polish émigré
Bastardy: traveled between european resort towns
with mother and brother, once skipping out on the bill
at a Belgian hotel; made various claims that father was
a doorman at the Vatican, a cardinal, descended from
napoleon—or was even the pope
Glory: accused of stealing Mona Lisa in 1911;
fought in World War i; coined term “surrealism”
in 1917; early avant-garde modernist poet
T. E. Lawrence (1888–1935)
Dad: Thomas robert chapman, anglo-irish nobleman
Mom: sarah Junner, nanny of chapman’s daughters
with previous wife
Bastardy: second of five illegitimate sons born to
unmarried couple who changed surname to lawrence; told
friend in 1914 he had “no right” to lawrence name; took
surname “shaw” in 1928, likely after friend George Bernard
Glory: Worked as archaeologist in Middle east 1911–
1914; prepared maps for military in 1914; helped lead
guerrilla uprising against turks in 1916; lobbied for arab
rights at peace conference; wrote Seven Pillars of Wisdom
